Today morning I came across an article in the newspaper regarding the pros and cons of having an affair with a married man. I wondered since when did it started getting so much importance as to be published in national dailies. Well I live in a prejudiced and critical world where once you are married you are like a fruit in a blender! Even if it is jackfruit or kiwi you are supposed to come out as fresh orange juice, sweet and colourful with the correct amount of chill! And if you dont then you are immediately termed as an outcast and cornered. Not the fairest of treatments, but it happens. So a relationship advice on an actual topic like infedility aroused my interest.
Once when I was working in a national daily, there was a divorced girl with a child working there who gave us a pathetic picture of an abusive ex husband who physically abused her even while she was 8 months pregnant. Well the story was kinda sad and I was happy that she said she divorced him and married another guy who was a muslim(or so she said). A few months later the muslim guy left her and she was devastated. It was also revealed they were not married but just living in together. This ignited the office gossip millers and she immediately lost the sympathy vote she had so long. All of a sudden she was labeled as a flirt, and guys started seeing her differently. None of us wanted to be friends with her at all. Even I kept a distance from her though i donno for what. She was a very sweet lady always pleasant and full of enthu! Now I think of it I dont understand what wrong has she done other than trying to be happy!
Coming back to the article, according to the newspaper an affair with a married man will not be worth anything other than ending as an utter adultery disaster. The married man would be married mostly out of his parents choice to some girl he would have seen once or twice before they got married, for maybe around 10 years or so. He would have a child or 2. And after that comes the time of boredom from routine and lack of excitement in life and in the bedroom. He loves his family, his children are his life. But there is the missing excitement of the youth.
That is where the single girl comes in. Mostly the girl in question would be an ex girlfriend who he would have ditched to marry the now wife or some new girl who would have been dumped by many guys and feel there is none to love them. Depressed chicks always fall easily into an extra marital flings. The married man is experinced and knows to play his cards and words well. The first entry would usualy be by saying’I wish I was not married..then we would have been together’, or ‘I know you are the only one I love, but im so tied up’. Then comes the texting and instant messaging. The girl feels he loves her above his wife because he is giving her more imporatnce than his wife. Yes, there is always the high a girl gets from being placed above another woman. He is connected to the new girl 24×7. The texts lead to even when he is home, late nights and most importantly while the wife is also in the same house and the girl begings to confirm the affection is real. Then comes the meetings. Some are casual tea or coffee meetings and sometimes intimate bedroom ones. And once that happens the married man slowly starts feeling guilty when he sees his wife. She He plans to take her and the kids on a holiday to make up for his guilt and the gf is angry, dint he tell her that he dint love his wife? Then why are they holidaying together. The fight starts. The man gives in initialy and pleads with the gf and once he weighs the pros and cons he decides he cannot take the pressure anymore. Very soon the gf starts getting the busy tones, the late replies and prolonged absense. And slowly it fades leaving the girl with the feeling of being used and a sigh of relief in the man that his wife never found out about it.
The article says 99 men out of 100 dont leave their wives and kids for new flings. But there are exceptions, like a very unhappy man might take the risk if he feels he has found his soul mate in the new woman and life is unbearable with his wife. I had an ex boss who left his wife and his new born baby for a new girl in office, who he termed as his true love and conviction. But 4 years later finaly when he got his divorce papers in hand his conviction had already married another man and within a month his ex wife also married an nri and moved abroad. Now he is a picture of misery and depression with violent mood swings, questioning his existance and writing volumes on betrayal! Now he frequently shuttles between his hometown and his ex wifes town fjling one case after the other in court desperately hoping to see his child even from a distance at least once in his lifetime!
But that is very rare. Most marriages are glued together by kids. After a few years the spouse is just a role you play that becomes who will pick little lilly from her dance class or who will take little john for his cricket practice. It will become like a teamwork and a spouse will always have a role in it. And also he must be scared as to being the bad guy in front of the society as to being the one who left his wife and kids for a new woman.
The article then put out a list of questions to ask the man if you are in a relation with a married man to check if he stands among the 99 who have promised you a life but has no real intention to fulfill it or if he is the elite one who will stand with you tall no matter what. The first one is to ask him directly about his plans. Ask for answers for your questions. Ask if he was happy with his wife would you even be in his life now. Listen to his answers carefully. Analyse it for a whole day. If he has a clear plan how to go about it or reassures you that all is fine and he cannot live without you then you neednt worry. You are treading in safe zone. But if at the end of the day also he doesnt have any clear answers, and says he loves you but dont know how to go about it, then ladies that is the moment of truth! You are a side kick which he has no intention of making mainstream ever. Dont be fooled further by his sweet talks, he is a man and if he loves you truly like he vows every hour, then he should have answers. Its about your life we are talking here not about mangalyan to sit and wait to see if the engine works or fails when it enters mars orbit ! 😉
Once you realise that and it is going to be a very painful revelation. But be content that you realised it this way rather than realising it years later, depressed and lost after a prolonged unsuccessful affair which will only make you loose your dignity and nothing else. The best thing to do here is wish him a good life and leave him and never look back. All stories are not fairy tales though you wish it to be. Good luck on that!
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